Sunday, December 26, 2010

The journey through als that is. The day - November 11, 2010. The time - around 3pm. Have you ever gotten that strange feeling where it feels like you have lost grip of reality? When you think to yourself, this can't be happening. It has to be a dream. No wait, it IS really happening. I only thought I had had that feeling before. As the Doc was going over all of the tests I had taken a few days before, every one of them coming back negative, The feeling started to come over me. Finally she said, " I believe you have Motor Neuron Disease. You don't have full-blown als yet, but it is most probable that you will." Bam. It was like someone took a baseball bat at full swing and hit me in the face. I look over at Jennifer - she is crying. So many things are going through my head. But they all keep centering around my kids. Both my 2yr old son, and the baby yet to be born that we found out about 2 weeks before. I was numb. How is this happening? You see, I have been losing the use of my right hand and arm since around September 2009. Started with a weakened grip, and progressed from there. I had been to a number of doctors and even had surgery for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I only wish I had a pinched nerve. We walked out of the office, drove home, and I cried. I cried harder than I ever have. My future of family, of watching my kids grow up, of growing old had been blown off the map. I ain't gonna lie - it was a horrible feeling. The worst I had ever felt. What would I do? As the days passed, I kept coming back to the same thought - getting to know God better. It was like he was whispering to me that all would be okay, which was a welcome thought. I came to a conclusion quickly. This was God's plan for me, and it is up to me to talk to him and let him guide my way through this obstacle. Come to think of it, life has always had obstacles and I didn't ask the Lord for his wisdom before. Maybe that is why I was always nervous and worried and pessimistic. If only I would have known. Ha! Either way, it is not too late for me to get to really know God. It is a shame that it took something like this to move me towards Him. Oh, how selfish I was! I don't know why this happend to me. I will leave that up to Jesus. He will take care of it for me. I just need to get in tune with Him so he can tell me what He wants for my life. That is my attitude and I don't plan on changing it. I am not changing it. Even though I know I will have some rough times, I will always be able to ask Him to bring me out. Thank you Lord for that. There is hope for me yet you see, and I pray for a happy and hopeful 2011 for all.