God's Hand

As many of you know, I got sick recently and spent some time in the hospital.  27 days to be exact.  I was much sicker than I thought when I went in.  I had been holding off going in hoping to get better.  That did not happen. By the time I went in, I had pneumonia in both lungs and a blood infection.  My organs had already began to shut down.  The night before, God spoke to me and told me I had better get my butt to the hospital.  Good thing I listened, because within an hour of being there, I went into respiratory distress.  I literally could not breath.  I thought I was dying, and I was.  I looked at my wife, my mom and my dad and tried to mouth to them that I loved them.  What happened next was what really made me think that I was going to leave this world.  I felt like I was floating above the room watching the doctors work on me.  I saw Jennifer crying.  I saw my parents with a worried look o their faces.  I actually thought that was it for me.  I was waiting to cross over and see the light.  It didn't happen though. The doctors stabilized me by putting a tube down my throat and into my lungs that breathed for me.  I was ok for the moment, but far from out of the woods.  If I had not listened to God's prompting me to go to the ER, I would surely be dead now., The infection in my lungs was so bad that it spread to my other organs.  I was in septic shock.  My heart was barely pumping.  It was failing, along with my kidneys.  More than one doctor told my family that they did not expect me to make it through the night.  By the Grace of God I did make it through, but barely.  But my heart was in bad shape.  So bad that the cardiologists rushed me into surgery to insert a balloon pump into my heart to help it pump.  A normal heart has an output ratio of about 65%.  My heart was pumping at about 5%.  It was about to give out.  The infection had really done a number on the old ticker.  The doctors were skeptical that it would come back.  Something told me my heart would be fine, and it would recover.  I spent a week and a half in critical care.  I was in critical condition.  During that time I was visited by several friends and family, and a Catholic priest visited me almost every day.  Father Dominic Pistone really helped give me strength by coming and praying over me almost every day.  The visits by friends and family made me feel loved and gave me strength too.  During my time in CCU, I also had a tracheotomy performed on me.  I now am hooked up to a machine that helps me breath through hole in my neck.  This has been a really hard adjustment for me, but I will get used to it. In another miracle, my heart fully recovered.  The doctors seemed surprised. This whole experience has taught me that life is extremely fragile.  It has also taught me that God has more plans for me in this life.  I should probably be dead right now, but by God's Hand and the brilliant work by some incredible doctors at Houston Methodist Hospital I am still here. I do not know what is next, but I'm gonna try and be ready for it.  I will, try to what God wants from  me.  All of these happenings were compounded due to the fact that I have ALS, which makes it even more of a miracle that I am still here. Definitely God's Hand.

During my stay in in the hospital I missed my kids immensely, and I cried everyday.  It was so
 very hard, but it reaffirmed my purpose in life and strengthened my will to keep fighting this bastard disease.  I am grateful to still be alive, and will try to look to God everyday and stay positive in my fight.  But there is no doubt I will need support from friends and family during low times.  I don't plan on giving up the fight.  It is still surreal to me that I was so close to  death.  But I am still here so God has plans for me yet.

Simple Things

We often  try to over analyze life. I've learned that living simply makes it easier. I focus on the good, do the best i can, and leave the rest to fate. Here are some things that make me happy :


 The sound of my children's voices
 Watching my children lay in bed as they sleep
 the smell of a freshly brewed cup of coffee in the morning
 the fresh smell of the morning when you step outside and the dew is still on the grass
 a good song
 watching a mocking bird get after a crow
 the smell and feel of a downdraft gust front of an approaching thunderstorm
 the soft feel of a child's touch
 my loving wife
 my family
 this great community in which I reside
 the feel of a summer's evening breeze
 the sound of a hawk's call
 the soft coo of a mourning dove
 the song of a mocking bird
 horses
 sports
 faith hope and love

There are obviously many more things that God has provided us in this world to bring us joy. But we must not focus on the wrong things that will fail us. It is inevitable that bad things will happen. But there will always be good to focus on and if we keep our faith and hope in God, then nothing can beat us. The best way to live life is happily, despite the circumstances.

Why I Choose to Believe

I have been doing some thinking lately. Having a disease like ALS gives you ample opportunity to do some thinking, since it forces you to sit still. I have been doing a little thinking about why I choose to believe in a loving god. I mean I want someone to tell me how in the hell there can be a loving god when there are disgusting diseases like ALS in existence? And nobody can prove to me where we go after our time here is done. Luckily there are a few things in existence called faith and love. No, there is no scientific way of proving my faith and love, but I know they are real. I believe in faith and love, and I believe in a loving god. I know that there are things that happen in this world that suggest otherwise, but if all I do is focus on these things I would be ignoring the countless good things in my life. I would also be ignoring my innate, yet very real need to know there is a supernatural force out there that knows why things happen the way they do. And I would be ignoring the feeling that this force loves me. I am a sucker for love and goodness, and there is simply too much goodness and love in this world for me to ignore. So no, I can't prove to you that there is a god, and that that so-called god loves me. But I believe there is. Take that back, I know there is. That is good enough for me. His grace is enough for me. That is a better feeling than any scientist can give me by proving anything.

Big Week for ALS Awareness

It should be a big week to get the word out on this devastating disease known as ALS.  Specifically because we have three great spokesmen and ambassadors in New Orleans for the Super Bowl.  These three people are Steve Gleason, O.J. Brigance, and Kevin Turner.  All three are former NFL players that have been diagnosed with ALS.  And to have even more of an impact, Steve Gleason and O.J. Brigance have great platforms.  Gleason played his whole career in New Orleans.  Brigance was a part of the Ravens team that won the Super Bowl in 2001.  He still works in the Ravens' front office and is a big inspiration to the current Ravens team despite his advanced state of ALS.  Nevertheless, all three have big plans this week to spread awareness and I could not be more excited.  Team Gleason has already released a powerful PSA that can be found here.  Team Gleason leaves this message on there website:

This video was created for Steve's football family – the players and coaches of the NFL – to show that whether they had lined up with him or against him on the field of play, they all support him in his fight against this cruel and unrelenting disease.

These great players all stand by Steve's belief that everyone who gets diagnosed with this disease has the right to fight, has the right to proper treatment and to the best available care. And they believe, like Steve does, that ALS is under-funded, under-resourced and largely ignored. And that this is NOT okay.

This video represents the players' commitment to do something:
• • To take ALS out of the shadows and get people talking about it.
• • To get the best and brightest scientific minds together and ask them what they need to cure ALS.
• • And to make some noise, pressure the right people and raise the money to make it all happen.

This video is a message from these elite players, among the best and strongest in the world, to all the victims of this horrific disease to say: We're all in this together. And it's an invitation to the rest of the world to join the fi ght, and put all of our heads together to find a cure for ALS.

Very powerful indeed.  I told my mom yesterday that I would be much worse off without these men.  We all need heroes and these men are mine.  Especially Gleason and Brigance.  Lets pray that they can make a big impact this week so that the day we cure this disease can come much sooner.

The Dilemma

As we transition to a new year, 2013, we are probably  finding ourselves trying to better our lives through resolution.  Maybe by eating better or exercising more. Maybe we will try to be more positive about life and the reality of our circumstances.  I personally am constantly trying to keep the right perspective about my current situation.  But what is right perspective for my situation?  That is my dilemma.  I mean there is so much to be negative about, right?  I can't walk, I can hardly talk, and really can't eat anymore.  I can't hold or hug my children.  I can't even wipe my own backside for Heaven's sake.  There is so much this horrible disgusting disease takes away from you that it is downright depressing.  On the other hand, I have so much to be positive about.  I have two of the most perfect kids God ever created (at least in my eyes).  I get to enjoy them on a daily basis even if I can't pick them up.  I live in one of the most loving and supportive communities I can imagine.  I have a wonderful network of family and friends that  keep me running.  I live with the hope that with all of medical breakthroughs occurring today that I will one day be healthy again.  I have heroes like Steve Gleason and O.J. Brigance to look up to.  So I wake up every morning with a choice just like everyone else in this world.  A choice to be happy or depressed.  Some days the choice is difficult, but it's still a choice.  Today I choose to be happy and plan on continuing to be happy throughout this new year.  I want to close with something I heard Mike Ditka say the other day.  He said, "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a blessing."  I thought that was a pretty good way of looking at things.  I wish everyone a happy and hopeful 2013.

Still Here

I have now obtained the use of eye tracking technology, so I plan on starting to post again. I've been pretty busy this year just trying to keep up with my two kids. They are growing up so quickly and I am soaking in every minute. That is one of the benefits of having ALS, I get to spend every day with them. They are such a blessing. They are perfect. As my hero Steve Gleason would say, the journey through this trial won't be easy, but it will be awesome. My body has gotten substantially weaker so far along this little journey. There are so many things I can no longer do that I used to take for granted. Luckily I have two awesome women to take care of me and put up with my crap. Thanks to my beautiful wife and mother. I could not survive without them, and I mean that in the most literal sense. I also have plenty of support from family and friends with a special mention of my two wonderful aunts Delynn and Deloris, who bring dinner every week. Every little thing helps and I am thankful for every bit of help. With respect to my earlier post on hope, there are many things going on currently in the medical arena, especially on the stem cell front, that give reason to hope. Additionally, many organizations, and even PALS themselves, are really spreading the word about ALS through the use of social media. The internet is such a powerful tool. Now more than ever there is reason to hope, to fight, to hang on. No White Flags. By the way, I typed this whole post using only my eyes. I can do this with the help of the Tobii PCEye. It is a pretty amazing tool. One more thing - if anyone is interested you can follow me on Twitter @STRONGWHENWEAK

Hope

With each new year comes new hopes, new dreams, new promises,new fears. We will never really know what the new year will bring. I do have hope for 2012. I have hope that my beautiful kids will continue to grow and flourish, hope for the health of my famIly and friends. That is what faith in God gives us. Hope. If that faith is not there, we have no hope. Without hope we wonder aimlessly through life searching for reason, for purpose, for meaning. Faith in Jesus gives us all these things no matter the situation. By having faith in God I do not shy away from knowledge. But no matter how smart I am or how much knowledge I gain I will not know everything. There will always be that thought in my head of a supernatural force controlling, swaying, changing the winds of time giving our lives and the events therein meaning and purpose.

Here's to a hopeful 2012 through faith in Jesus Christ.

Josh

Scatterbrained thoughts on life

Life on this Earth is such a funny thing. We put so much stock in it knowing that it is so fragile and our time could be up at any moment. My mind works in different ways now that I have been diagnosed with a most likely terminal illness. I think back at the first couple of days after Dr. Pleitez told me I had Motor Neuron Disease, or ALS. I felt so defeated, like my life had ended. Now, six months later, I am still here. I am a little weaker, but still going strong. I have really had a spiritual awakening over this same period. I have learned to put things in God's hands and not worry too much about the future. It really has been a great release, a huge load off of my back. My faith in God has become so much stronger. I put my faith in Him and His son Jesus Christ because that is the only constant thing in this life. On the other hand, every other thing on this earth is constantly changing. Tornadoes, miscarriages, fevers, car accidents, wars, terrorist attacks, earthquakes, nuclear meltdowns, hurricanes, floods, droughts and many other things can be on our doorstep at at a moments notice. We have no control over these things, and we must learn to put it all in His hands lest we become overwhelmed. The tornado outbreaks in the Midwest and Southeast have been on my mind lately. I mean, look back at the day I was given my diagnosis. Now think about the young man about my age whose life ended while shielding his wife from injury during the tornado in Joplin, Missouri on this past Sunday evening. I thought my life had ended. He might have been thinking about starting a family with his wife and watching his children grow. Now, fast forward to today. He is no longer here and I am. This is just one example of many. Having Jesus by your side really helps you put life in perspective. He tells us in Scripture to not worry about tomorrow, and to live in the present (Matthew 6: 25-34). I have learned to enjoy life each day, trying to really soak up each moment. Watching my son Jeran grow has been such a blessing. Now it is almost time for #2. Jaylee Faith is scheduled to be here June 7. We are building a house across town and being able to watch it go up has been really exciting. So many blessings in my life right now. I praise the Lord for that. Why would I let a minor nuance like ALS get in the way of all the great things going on in my life right now? Not in the past. Not in the future. Right Now. I would not be able to think this way if it was not for the Lord, an my relationship with Him.

All of this is not to say I don't have my down moments. I still sometimes think of my former life when I was a decent basketball player, when I was pretty good on a wakeboard, when I could toss a football a good 55 yards or so. Sometimes I long to wrestle with Jeran and launch him into a swimming pool with my hands, or maybe even play a round of golf. To get through these moments I go to the Lord and He never fails to get me through, to help me put things in perspective. And all of this is not to say I do not worry sometimes. Last Saturday night, we had to take Jeran to the ER because his fever spiked so high. It scared Jenn and I so we decided to take him in at 12:30 in the morning. Everything turned out ok. There were some moments when the anxiety was almost overwhelming, but Jesus was there with me the whole time, providing reassurance and putting things in perspective. The key to all of this is being able to put things in perspective by putting them in the Lord's hands.

We went to our first ALS Clnic on May 13. It went rather well, and I met some good people who are also dealing with this disease. It gave me a good feeling meeting people who know how I feel. Positive experience all around. One other thing too. I have been selected to participate in an ALS drug trial. This particular drug has more promise than any other before. It is a double-blinded placebo trial, so neither me or the doc will know if I am getting the real thing or not. I have a 2/3 chance of getting the good stuff. My treatments start June 13 so I ask for your prayers that the docs may be on to something here.

That's it for now. It feels good to get some thoughts on paper again.

Carpe Diem

ALS Awareness Month

I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten about my blog. I plan on writing more in the near future. Right now I wanted to let everyone know that May is MDA ALS awareness month. Below is a link to the MDA Anyone's Life Story, which introduces you to a new person living with ALS for everyday in May. I thought some of y'all would maybe like to check it out.

http://awareness.als.mda.org/

OK. The NCAA Tourney has officially gotten crazy. Butler....ok. But now VCU? The parity in College basketball has become quite apparent.

Letting go

It is coming up on my favorite time of the year. Playoff basketball is right around the corner. Actually the high school girls playoffs start this week. But what I am really interested in is the boys playoffs, which culminates in the State Tournament in Austin. Then, directly after that, NCAA March Madness begins. I love so many things about the game of basketball. There is no other sport like it when it comes to excitement. I do agree that football is better suited for television though. The best way to watch basketball is in the stands. Basketball is an in-the-moment sport. It is fast-paced. If you blink you will miss half of the game. Momentum can swing wildly. I've witnessed many great games in my lifetime and have even been a part of a few. Basketball is just as much mental as physical. I was able to shoot as well as I did because I was confident. I loved taking the big shot. There is no better feeling than the moment the ball rolls off of your fingertips, and you have no doubt where the ball is going to end up- in the bottom of the net. I loved playing the game and love watching it. That is why the month of March is such a great month. Playoff basketball is rightly described as madness. March Madness.

Notice above I said I loved playing basketball. Emphasis on the word loved. I can no longer shoot with my right hand. I can barely get the ball to the rim while standing directly under it. Thus, my playing days are over. I can still shoot left-handed, but essentially I would have to play with one arm. My right arm is almost useless at this point when it comes to basketball, as it is with almost every task requiring fine motor skills, for example: writing, eating, using the tv remote, etc. I can still grasp and lift pretty good so not all is lost just yet. My left hand is still good, so praise the Lord for that.

Needless to say, I've had to give up a lot of stuff over the last year and a half. None have bothered me too much except one. The ability to shoot a basketball. It is very hard to give something up that you were very good at. At least not this soon. I have been rather reluctant to watch or go to a gym until recently. It is hard to explain, but it just makes me kind of sad to stand on that hardwood floor and look up at the rim from behind the arc. It used to come so easy, so effortless. Now I can't even do it anymore. It is hard to explain. Now the allure of playoff basketball is calling me once again, and I want to experience it. I now experience basketball in a different way, but it is still exciting and fulfilling.

I do not know at this point, but this could very well be just the tip of the iceberg. I'll leave the future up to God. I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that I will be just fine, because I choose to put it in His hands, knowing that I have no control over it. My prayer to God each day is to just take it. This disease, my worries, my future. I lay it all in His arms. I do take back one statement, the one where I said we have no idea what the future holds. At some point our lives on this Earth will end. And there is a pretty good chance we will have to let go of a lot of things along the way. Some people choose to cling to things. They fear that giving them up will make them less of a person. Sometimes they hold on to the point that it affects others in a negative way. They become depressed because they lament on the things they used to have. They feel they will be a burden on others. But not letting go creates more of a burden. Having a positive attitude and accepting God's fate for us will be better for everyone. I plan on keeping this positive attitude along my journey as much as I can, and when I run into a tough spot, I will ask for His insight, His strength, His courage that only He can provide. I agree that I will do as much on my own as long as I can, as everyone should, but when it comes time to let go, I will. I will focus on Him and His will for me. I will embrace each day as one more to live out His purpose for me, whatever it may be.

Regrets

Do you have any regrets? Up until recently I thought I did. I know that sounds weird because everyone has regrets, right? I do believe everyone does have regrets at one time or another during their lifetime. Some more than others, and some for longer periods of time. Let me tell you about some of the regrets I used to have. As I stated in one of my earlier posts, the Good Lord has given me many talents, both in the classroom and on the basketball court. I played a little game with myself when I turned 30. I asked myself what my biggest regrets in life were to that point. My biggest was not pursuing basketball after high school. And that regret was predicated on a sequence of events that took shape about midway through my junior year in high school. Like I stated in an earlier post, I played an integral part on the Santa Fe team that went all the way to Austin. Toward the end of the season, and the end of that year, I started to get what could be called a big head. And I am not talking about my baseball cap size, even though it is rather large. I am talking about the mental big head. I was getting interest from some colleges about playing ball for them. The most notable of these colleges was what is now Texas State University. It used to be called Southwest Texas State. I had other colleges interested, but these guys were who I was interested in. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was good enough to not have to work as hard at getting better as I should have been. Also, I got into a relationship and "thought" I was in love, and this took my concentration off of school and basketball. I kind of coasted through that summer and the rest of my senior year just thinking that things would be handed to me without me having to work at them. Boy was I wrong. Southwest Texas lost interest in me, and when that happened I sort of got my feelings hurt and shut down. There were still other colleges interested, but I was no longer interested. I was immature and juvenile. I first went to Texas A&M out of high school. I still did not understand the value of hard work at that point. I struggled to maintain a C average, and quickly lost interest in that too. I dropped out of A&M and attended two junior colleges. I regretted not having my stuff together those first few years out of high school. I had squandered my opportunity to continue playing basketball. I had messed up the gift my parents gave me of attending a great university (that is the one and only compliment I will give to A&M, HaHa). I couldn't get those years back. But, lo and behold, the Lord continued to bless me and give me opportunities. My friend, Cliff Owens, opened my eyes to the beauty that was Texas Tech University. Jake and I headed up there in the fall of 2000, again on my parents' dime. By the way, my parents are amazing to me. The loyalty and perseverance they have shown in regards to Jake and I over the years is nothing short of miraculous. It was a great couple of years. I grew up a lot during my time up there. It opened my eyes to the importance of getting away and being sort of independent. I met my wife one month after moving to Lubbock and the rest is history. I finally graduated with a Finance degree in May of 2003. Again, I thought I was equipped and ready for the world, and again I was wrong. I fumbled around between jobs for about a year and a half until one of my mom's friends helped me land a job at The Boeing Company. I worked for Boeing for over five years and am very thankful for that time.

I am starting to ramble and quite possibly starting to bore you with a description of my dull and boring life, haha. So I need to move on to the point of my post. I've made a lot of questionable, and frankly, dumb decisions in my life. And I should regret those decisions, correct? I am not convinced of that today. I mean, if all of those dumb decisions, the collective heap of immaturity that I have displayed during my lifetime, and the utter ignorance of my ways has led me to where I am today then I simply cannot have regrets. You see, that is one of the beauties of life. We get second and third and fourth and fifth chances. And with all of these chances, somehow I have managed to make a couple of good decisions. Looking at my son, I cannot regret any of my decisions if they have led to the creation of him. I mean, if I had decided to go play ball at some of the schools that were interested in me, like UL Monroe, or Texas Lutheran, or Panola Juco, then I almost certainly would not have met my wife. And if I didn't meet my awesome wife then Jeran would not be here. Because of this I have come to the conclusion that the Lord does indeed have a plan for all of us, and everything happens for a reason. God has created us with free will. And with this huge responsibility of the free will to make our own decisions, He knows that we will mess up sometimes. That is why He forgives, and gives us multiple chances to make the right decisions. He gives us the opportunities to right our wrongs, and ultimately discover His infinite love for each one of us. We tend to put so much emphasis on our lives. We want to make the correct decisions. We want to impress people. We want to have fun and be happy. But, as time passes, we find out that something that seems so important to us today loses its importance next week. We find that we cannot go back and correct our faults. We find that in the grand scheme of things, our lives are so minuscule that they don't even begin to put a blip on the radar screen. Or do they? I believe they most certainly do in God's eyes. This is why we must focus on Him, and His will. Now He knows that we are human, and will make mistakes, which is the reason he sent His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross so that our sins can be forgiven. Because He loves us that much. So, if you believe in Him you don't have to worry about making the wrong decision. This in no way means we can do whatever we want without regard. It means that if we consult with Him and make the best decision based on what He tells us, or what we feel is in His will, then we can't make a wrong decision. Because we put it in His hands and He will not fail. I challenge you to consult with God before making your next big decision and put it in His hands. Let Him worry about it. Let Him take care of it. I can almost guarantee you will feel the pressure lift off of your shoulders.

In closing, I hope I have at least sort of coherently put my thoughts together in a way you can understand. Let go of the past. Focus on the future, and His will for us. Our lives here are but an incubation period for our destiny into how we will spend our eternity. Because in the end of our lives on Earth, we can only have one true regret, and that is not acknowledging Him as our Lord and Savior before our time is up. We have no idea when our time will be up. So start today, and enjoy the only certainty in this life. The certainty of His love for us. I want to leave you with a verse from Proverbs 3:6. "In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."


By the way, we didn't make it to the ALS clinic on Friday due to the icy roads, so I don't have any stories about that. I guess we will see next time.

Awareness

Awareness. I've heard that word more than a couple of times over the past couple of months. The question of how to create more awareness for ALS has been the one I've seen the most. That is a tough chore considering ALS is what they call an "orphan" disease. At any given point in time there are an estimated 35,000 people living with it. But I have also read and heard that that estimate is much too low due to the fact that the disease is not tracked very well by any databases. I definitely was not aware of ALS before it hit me square in between the eyes. I had heard of the term Lou Gehrig's Disease before, and knew that it was a devastating disease, but that was the extent. I always thought that it was an old person's disease. The fact is, most people diagnosed with ALS are in their mid 50s to early 60s. But there is a somewhat alarming trend of younger and younger people getting diagnosed over the past couple of years. Needless to say, I felt alone when I was first diagnosed. I mean, who in the heck gets ALS in their early thirties? The chances are slim to none given the fact that about 2-3 people per 100,000 will be diagnosed. Add with the fact that typically, only a very small percentage of those 2 or 3 people are diagnosed before the age of 38, and you know what I mean. After some Internet research I quickly found out that I was not alone. There are people like me all over the US and the World with ALS. They are all waging their own battle against this cruel and unrelenting ailment. And many of us are trying to raise awareness. Because not only does having ALS suck, but that suckiness is multiplied 10 - fold when you know the doc can't do anything for you. There is no cure for ALS. Their really isn't any meaningful Therapeutic. The only FDA approved drug for the treatment of ALS is Rilutek, which I am convinced does almost nothing at all. I often heard the term 'throwing a cup of water on a raging inferno' used to describe the stuff. The docs give you a regimen of all sorts of vitamins and antioxidants to take, but they can't tell you if they will work. All very frustrating IMO.

Either way, creating awareness is the only way to raise the necessary capital to actually find SOMETHING to fight ALS. I apologize for the rant. I just get a little frustrated sometimes. Lou Gehrig died from this disease around 70 years ago, and today there is still no cure, or even anything to slow the disease and prolong survival more than a couple of months. Really, when it all comes down to it, the Lord's plan WILL prevail. I know getting frustrated and down is natural. But I feel that if you have full faith in His perfect plan, you don't have to be frustrated. Because it is not about you or me, but Him. I am still working on that complete faith and will continue until I meet Him face to face. I will add some links below of some sites you may want to look at. I do not want to use this blog to promote anything, so visit the sites only if you want to.

I do have a prayer request though. My family and I will be attending our first ALS clinic on Feb. 4. It will be the first time we will meet other PALS or people with ALS. This is a little scary because we will see other people with ALS, many in more advanced stages. This will be a once every three month meeting where we talk to other patients and the docs will track my progression, or as I like to call it, regression. I will probably post something after the clinic about how it went.

http://www.tyherndon.net/site/2010/ty-herndon-partners-with-former-nfl-player-kevin-turner-in-fight-against-als

http://www.als.net/youngfacesofals/

New Addition

We found out last Thursday that we have a little girl on the way. I don't ever show an outward preference to anyone about what I want the baby to be before we find out. Truth is, I am always more concerned about the pregnancy going well and there being a healthy baby produced at the end of it. Needless to say though, I am feeling a little excited about having a girl. Not to say I would be any less excited if it were a boy. Okay, I'll stop beating around the bush. I was secretly hoping it was a girl. There seems to be some sort of intriguing connection to me between a father and his daughter. The term "Daddy's Little Girl" comes to mind. I do have a good connection with my son Jeran. But just like me, he is a momma's boy. When the serious stuff goes down, he is looking for momma, not daddy. I don't blame him, there is something more comforting about momma. At least I was that way. I don't know what causes this. Maybe it is the gender difference. It always seemed a little weird talking to Z about the mushy stuff. Little boys are only supposed to talk about the serious, manly stuff with their dads. Things like basketball, football, hunting, etc. But when it comes to sissy stuff, you go to mom. Now, I am being facetious about this (sort of). I may be doing a poor job of explaining this, but nonetheless I am excited about experiencing this "Daddy's Little Girl" connection, whatever it may be. As I sit here today in complete admiration of Jeran while he plays with his toys, my iPhone, and whatever else he can get his hands on as the rain falls outside, I want to say one thing to my daughter. We are all waiting in excited anticipation of your arrival. Especially your Daddy.

Faith

What is faith? Faith is defined as: A confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. We have faith in many things in our everyday lives. We have faith that the Sun will rise, faith that our families and friends will be there for us in a time of need or when we are in a sticky situation. Faith that our children or spouses will tell us the truth when we ask them tough or uncomfortable questions, Faith in our sports teams that we root for that they will win. We have faith in God. I have always been a skeptic. I like to have reasonable evidence based on research into something. I find it hard to believe something without some real, factual background. To make having faith more difficult, sometimes our sports teams don't pull the big game out. Or our child or husband or wife might lie to us. Or something devastating happens to us. When this happens we begin to lose faith. We lose faith in our favorite team. We lose faith in our family, and faith in our God. But, still, we always find a way to renew our faith. Because that is how we are programmed. Without faith and hope, we have nothing. Despite the number of times our teams lose, our child makes the wrong decision, a young child dies from a seemingly meaningless disease, or someone you love is diagnosed with a fatal illness, we always renew our faith. We renew the faith in our children, in our teams, in God. It may take longer for some, But everyone, albeit however begrudgingly, seems to rekindle that faith at some point. I believe this is due to the fact that somewhere along the path of figuring out this crazy, wonderful thing called life, we must have faith. Regardless of your intellectual capacity, you will not figure everything out on facts alone. Even the smartest scientists in the world, hell-bent on figuring out how to prove a divine creator was not needed to create the universe, cannot explain their goal. The fact is, at some point even these very intelligent minds have to have faith in their hypotheses.

This takes me to the main point of my post, the most important area of faith we will face in our existence on Earth. This is the faith in a creator, a higher being with a divine plan. I mean, I cannot believe in my mind that we are here just by chance. The more I read into areas such as the beginning of the universe, into theories such as the Big Bang, the more evidence I see that there was a beginning. It all began at some point in time. I believe that beginning is God. Further, the more researchers dive into the truth in the happenings and events of the Bible, the more the evidence points to it being accurate. Now, there are many differing opinions out there, but I guarantee those opinions are based on having faith in one thing or another. As for me, my faith lies with God the Creator and His Son Jesus Christ. Through all of my skepticism, my ponderings on the meaning of life, at least in my small mind, I have found the evidence needed to have faith in God and His Son Jesus Christ. I have faith in his divine plan for all of us. I have faith that He can perform miracles. I have faith that all who pledge their allegiance with Him have great things in store for them! No matter how hard the situation or circumstance may be, I know that great things are coming for those who believe in Him. That is why my faith lies with Him. Without faith in something we have nothing.

Blessed

I am truly blessed. Last night I was thinking back on my life and all that I have been through. I coudn't help but come to the conclusion that the Lord has blessed me richly in my life. This doesn't mean there haven't been hard times along the way. It just means my blessings have way outweighed the setbacks. You see, I have been blessed with many talents. From a young age, I have always excelled at basketball. I recall a moment when I was in fourth grade and we were in a basketball tournament over in Clear Lake. We were set to play a team that looked to be at least a couple of years older than our scrawny little team. Luckily, they showed up late and we were given a little head start. There were eight players on their team and we were given two free foul shots for each player before the game started. My dad elected me to go and shoot the sixteen freethrows. I made fourteen. Now this isn't a regular occurance with fourth graders. Most kids my age would be lucky to make four. As I got older, although I didn't mature as fast as others (I think I weighed under 100 pounds until I was in high school), I always possessed my knack for shooting the basketball. Slowly my body decided to get with the program and proceed through maturity, and by my junior year in high school I had become a pretty good basketball player. I ranked in the top three in three pointers made in the Houston area both my junior and senior years. I played an integral part in helping my team reach the state semi-finals my junior year (as I look back on that season, I can't help but think we were living in a dream. No responsibilities, no worries. We practically ruled the town.) I was all district three years in high school (first team both my junior and senior years) All county first team both years. I even got my picture taken and put into a magazine for the pre-season all-state team my senior year. I was all-tournament for the 4A classification when we went to Austin. I had my fair share of colleges calling and sending all sorts of stuff. To add to my basketball "stardom" I was pretty popular and was even crowned home-coming king. For reasons unknown to me today, I didn't really pursue basketball after my senior season, but I'll leave that to another blog entry. Even though I really didn't give a full effort to school, I graduated in the top ten percent of my class. Through college I continued playing basketball recreationally, and coninued to excel at it. I was given the gift of basketball. Looking back, I didn't really work that hard at it either. It was a gift. A blessing. Same goes for academics. I never really applied myself, it just came. Today, surrounded by an awesome family, all-star parents, a great wife, and the most perfect kid in the world (with another on the way) I continue to be blessed beyond measure and I am truly grateful.

Now, shifting gears. I wasn't the greatest basketball player or the smartest guy around, but I was talented nonetheless. Thinking back, I can only imagine the number of people in this world who would give anything to have the life I have lived to this point. This disease has made me take a step back and really ponder these things, this crazy thing called life. I know it sounds weird, but I am thankful for that. I can't help but think that God has thrust the weight of ALS on my shoulders for a reason. Maybe it is so I can reach the full potential of who I should be, to understand His purpose for me in this life. Heaven knows I haven't reached it to this point. Maybe it is a lesson to not take things for granted, as I have my whole life without thinking about it. I can convey to you one thing I do believe and know to be true - this is happening to me for the greater good. Because He is Good. It may be for reasons unknown at this time, but for good nonetheless. Pain is not always bad. Sometimes it must be endured for as I have stated - the greater good. As much as we don't like to think about our lives on this earth ending, they will. And either way the number of days we spend here will only be a fraction of a speck in eternity. We must understand that. Working to become closer to God, who we will spend eternity with is the main goal for us when we are here. Maybe this disease will help me to understand that. And for that I am blessed.

The journey through als that is. The day - November 11, 2010. The time - around 3pm. Have you ever gotten that strange feeling where it feels like you have lost grip of reality? When you think to yourself, this can't be happening. It has to be a dream. No wait, it IS really happening. I only thought I had had that feeling before. As the Doc was going over all of the tests I had taken a few days before, every one of them coming back negative, The feeling started to come over me. Finally she said, " I believe you have Motor Neuron Disease. You don't have full-blown als yet, but it is most probable that you will." Bam. It was like someone took a baseball bat at full swing and hit me in the face. I look over at Jennifer - she is crying. So many things are going through my head. But they all keep centering around my kids. Both my 2yr old son, and the baby yet to be born that we found out about 2 weeks before. I was numb. How is this happening? You see, I have been losing the use of my right hand and arm since around September 2009. Started with a weakened grip, and progressed from there. I had been to a number of doctors and even had surgery for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I only wish I had a pinched nerve. We walked out of the office, drove home, and I cried. I cried harder than I ever have. My future of family, of watching my kids grow up, of growing old had been blown off the map. I ain't gonna lie - it was a horrible feeling. The worst I had ever felt. What would I do? As the days passed, I kept coming back to the same thought - getting to know God better. It was like he was whispering to me that all would be okay, which was a welcome thought. I came to a conclusion quickly. This was God's plan for me, and it is up to me to talk to him and let him guide my way through this obstacle. Come to think of it, life has always had obstacles and I didn't ask the Lord for his wisdom before. Maybe that is why I was always nervous and worried and pessimistic. If only I would have known. Ha! Either way, it is not too late for me to get to really know God. It is a shame that it took something like this to move me towards Him. Oh, how selfish I was! I don't know why this happend to me. I will leave that up to Jesus. He will take care of it for me. I just need to get in tune with Him so he can tell me what He wants for my life. That is my attitude and I don't plan on changing it. I am not changing it. Even though I know I will have some rough times, I will always be able to ask Him to bring me out. Thank you Lord for that. There is hope for me yet you see, and I pray for a happy and hopeful 2011 for all.

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